My Love Language is Analysis
On the intimacy of being noticed, studied, and seen clearly
Recently a stranger asked me for my love language. For years, my answer to that question was “physical touch,” and then it morphed into “words of affirmation” — but truthfully I only ever chose one because “all of them” didn’t feel like an appropriate answer. Kinda like when kids say their favorite color is rainbow. It’s like, okay well that’s not fun…
In the moment, I responded with a new selection: “quality time” (which really is the most “doiiiii” of all the options). But since then I’ve kinda come to the conclusion that my truly favorite way to give and receive love isn’t reflected by the predetermined list of choices. My love language is analysis.
Major dork alert, I know. But when I think about my past selections (physical touch, words of affirmation), I realize they were often cravings brought about in reaction to a place of lack in my life. I’ve been in relationships where my partners weren’t very openly affectionate, so at the time my answer reflected that deficit. I’ve been insecure, and doubted my worth for periods, which left me yearning loud, verbal validation.
But now I feel far enough from those versions of myself that I can see my preferences with greater clarity. And the through-line is really just analysis. I unconsciously offer up observations about my friends’ cute mannerisms, their vocal inflections. When I write it out I’m like, wow, that sounds annoying as fuck for the people around me lol. But they know it’s a way of relating to others, a way of letting them know I think about them.
And when someone shares with me an examination of my personality, behaviors — what have you — it’s like getting a warm hug. It says (presumably), “I know you so well I can tell you about yourself” (*see last week’s post). But it also says, “I’ve thought about you outside of our interactions and beyond the words we’ve exchanged; I don’t forget about you when we part, you also exist in the privacy of my mind.”
I have to stop myself from getting meta at times, or at least from sharing my reflections with those around me; if it’s this incessant in my head then it definitely has the potential to feel tedious to others. But when healthily moderated, a little evaluative offering can feel pretty cozy. At the end of the day, attention is a form of devotion, wouldn’t you say?
“The Habitat” podcast (link)
On our way back from Tahoe this weekend, my friends and I (split into two cars) listened to this series as we caravanned. It came out in 2018 — not sure how I possibly missed it at the time — and follows the experience of six volunteers who travel to a remote mountain in Hawaii to simulate a Mars habitat. There, they “work[ed] as imitation astronauts for one very real year” with the goal of “help[ing] NASA understand what life might be like on the red planet—and plan for the day when the dress rehearsals are over, and we blast off for real.”
Such an interesting sociological case study. Highly recommend.
Golf (card game)
Not much to say about this one, except that it’s a great game. Here are the rules (slightly different than how I was taught), so you can try for yourself!
