Working Out in My Turtleneck

Just remove the damn obstacle

Hey there, dear readers. This past week has been characterized by some profound devastation in my home state of California. Regardless of whether you or someone you know personally were directly affected by the Palisades fire, I think the weight of this tragedy has been a presence for all of us. Sending each and every one of you big big love.

Since the start of the new year, I’ve been feeling pretty motivated to stick to my goals — one of which is to get in some form of movement twice a week. For a long time, I avoided “working out” because I knew I couldn’t do it in a healthy way; I was far too encumbered by my loud and intrusive body image issues. As I’ve discussed on TikTok a few times, my orthorexic tendencies led me to engage in healthy behaviors through a disordered lens, so I resolved to just kinda give up.

I’d go through spurts of being a “pilates girlie,” or committing to some strict guideline I’d set for myself like a fucking drill sergeant — TWO LIFTS A WEEK ONE STRETCH A WEEK ONE HEATED YOGA CLASS A WEEK YOU BETTER WORK, B!TCHHH! It’s strange, because I’d totally bask in that post-workout feeling, but between “sessions” I’d often dread the prospect of returning to the gym. I suspect this also has something to do with my ADHD — it can be really hard to motivate myself to do a task, especially when it isn’t one with which I have a purely positive association.

Well since I’ve been home in California, I’ve been exposed to the varied routines of family members and friends, which have served to inspire and motivate me to carve out my own practice. Some go on daily morning walks, others stretch on the floor of their bedroom when the desire arises. But down to the person, everyone follows what appears to be an intuitive sense: My body is telling me it needs to move in this way, and so I will answer the call.

I don’t have that same itchy intuition. Sure, I’ll crave some fresh air or sense tightness in my hamstrings, but I have yet to really tune into the frequency of that deep, primal voice that whispers, “Hey, it’s time to move, Becky…” That being said, I have certainly come to trust that post-exercise rush that screams, “Gah, yes! This is precisely what I needed!” So this year, I’m hoping to bridge the gap.

In an effort to accomplish this goal, I’ve committed to moving twice a week. I’m not imposing any harsh restrictions here, just trusting that my body will speak up when it feels the urge, and can trust that I will listen.

Last week I was sitting in front of my computer, and heard a gentle whisper indicating that it might be nice to take a little movement break. I walked over to the living room and turned on the tv, AirPlaying my Melissa Wood Health app to the screen. I retrieved my props, and cleared some space — my final task was to change clothes. And I just couldn’t. This is a common occurrence for me; the voice in my head motivating me to act gets in a nasty fist fight with the voice telling me it’s too cumbersome. And combatting the latter often feels like trekking through sludge.

So what did I do? I worked out in my fucking turtleneck. Yup. I just hit “play” and went to town in what eventually became some hot-ass merino wool. And what a revelation!! Yes, eventually I stripped down to my bra so as to avoid a medical emergency, but I was amazed that my simple refusal to cede to that perceived obstacle was what had made all the difference.

Since then, I’ve started leaving a pair of leggings and a shirt by the tv for moments when the urge arises — after all, I’m not completely obstinate, there are dignified solutions here. But I will no longer be my own worst enemy. I’m committing to getting out of my own damn way.

P.S. Another pro-tip for combatting the unmotivated devil on your shoulder: when you get home late at night and can’t bring yourself to brush your teeth, turn off the lights, sit on your toilet and brush them in the dark. Something about the lights being off makes it that much easier to just get’er doneeee.

Some other ADHD tricks can be found in this previous post.

Lemony Greek Chicken Spinach and Potato Stew (recipe)

Another goal of mine this year is to make one new recipe each week, which will be made easy by my subscription to fabulous Phoebe Fry’s newsletter, The Dish. Week 1 started off strong with this delicious concoction, I plucked it from last week’s NYT Cooking newsletter titled “For the love of lemons.” It took little convincing — the word “lemony” feels seductive to me. Can’t explain it. Fabulous soup.

The CHANI App and “Astrology of the Week Ahead” podcast (app link / podcast link)

Historically, I have not been an astrology girl. But this past year my dear friend Tori (someone who, I believe, similarly identifies as “spiritual-curious”) introduced me to her weekly ritual of listening to the “Astrology of the Week Ahead” podcast on Sundays. This New York Times profile on the host, Chani Nicholas, sums up its appeal to me:

“Ms. Nicholas, 44, and other socially conscious astrologers, manage to sidestep the individualized self-obsession of it, which can easily venture into amateur self-analysis and endless confirmation bias. She approaches it more as a system of encouragement toward living a life in accordance with one’s skill sets and values.”

Unlike Tori, I’ve started listening to the episodes when they’re released on Monday mornings to give me a frame of reference for the week (she prefers Sundays in order to avoid any of the aforementioned “confirmation bias,” which I get). I also downloaded the app, which offers weekly individualized podcasts per your rising sign, among tons of other tailored information based on your chart. Still exploring, still mildly skeptical, but I’ve really enjoyed Chani’s perspective and have been genuinely surprised by her accurate “predictions.”